first couple bands I worked for Run Westy Run and the Cows, saving money
was everything so after the show we would always try to find somebody
that would put us up…Fan…Waitress…Promoter…Some kid that lived with his
"cool" parents. Total crap shoot, sometimes it was a great place where
you could find a nice couch and clean shower, quiet + food…Other times
it was some crash pad that half the audience showed up to also to
Par-tay with the band. And when you finally found a place to sleep on
the floor kind of out of the way, somebody spilled beer on you (fuck
you) you wake up and find your head in cat litter after listening to
some crappy local punk rock "dude you want to hear my band!?" (on 11 and
repeat all night), using your shoes as a pillow.
So because I'm anti-Social and allergic to everything I always tried to
sleep in the van. Quiet, safe knew all the smells, plus somebody tries
to brake into it your there. Any rate I was with the Cows in Morgantown
West Virginia after the show and about 15 shots of jagermiester and 30
beers later I was completely shitfaced when we went to the Promoters
house to stay, I pass out in the van, somebody had the decency to write
the address where everybody else was on my body before they left me in
the van……..Morning comes massive "fuck what did I do too myself last
night?" Hangover………Feels like Bob Dylan slept in my mouth………Door to the
van opens…..van on steep hill………………..van gets put in
gear……………huh?…..eyes focusing…………..FUUUUUCK!
Van on tow truck... I shoot out of the loft and out of the van…
Apparently I got comfortable in the van because I discover as I'm
falling out of the van with a throbbing 'please kick me in the balls'
headache into the rain all I'm wearing is my underwear… Awesome…..I find
myself in the middle of about 12 old people who have come out to see
what all the commotion is about and a big tow truck driver and of course
a Cop…I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is going on…All I
know is one minute waking up in a hangover mist and 10 seconds later I'm
standing in the middle of 14 people in my underwear talking to a cop in
the rain…This is the fucking life.
The cop (surprised) looks at me a say's something like: "whur'd hell'yu'
com' frum?" I try to explain that it's my van and I'll move it,
(apparently we had blocked a driveway after driving drunk) can I put my
pants on?...No…Ok…How much?...Get the hell out here, and don't come
back?...Ahhh…ok…100 bucks they drop the van, and here I am driving the
van in my underwear.
I drive around a little and wait for the commotion to die down, put my
pants on, try to get my bearings, wait for the giant pounding in my head
to subside a little. Park the van a couple of streets over and try to
find the rest of the band…
Fucken address on my arm is a mess I can only kinda read 3 of the 4
numbers (long before cell phones). So now here I am lurking around the 3
houses I think it could be trying to find evidence of the rest of the
band, at least I have my pants and shirt on now, but I'm still a 6' 3
black man with dreadlocks down to my ass that about an hour before has
just been standing on the middle of the street virtually naked…I tried
not to look suspicious…my luck finally changed the first window I peered
in I saw the corner of a sleeping bag and I started pounding on the
door, thinking "I hope I don't get shot by Bubba". Finally Thor (guitar
player) woke up and looked out the window, and let me in…Shaken, Hung
over and soaking wet…and blathering about fuckin pigs, underwear,
fucking $100, the van is blocks over…He started laughing at me and said
"this is the life."
Thursday, February 22, 2007
What could go wrong
My friends and I decided to follow this car load of kids from a rock concert to where ever they where going the driver looked cute and we where bored (We could only imagine how great their final destination would be). We followed them for about 45 min. out to some rich St. Paul suburb (North Oaks)…They dropped off one of the boys and we stayed down the street trying to stay inconspicuous in our $300 Plymouth Horizon covered in rust, obviously the jig was up…they spotted us and took off fast, obviously excited by the 'fear' we had installed on these poor Suburban kids we decided to chase em' down. Through North Oaks and then down a fucking country road at high speed or at least as fast as our Horizon would go…How could this possibly go wrong?
Well any rate we chased them down a bunch of country roads, we managed to stay right on their tale…Suddenly the road ends in a construction sight where they where building one of those horseshoe drive ways and had not completed it yet. We got em boxed in…no way out…
The concert we had followed them from was some New wave Christian concert in Minnehaha so we figured they would be fun for sure (Huh?) and that our tactics of fear would pay off…And now we got em' this is going to be great!
My friends decided that I was the scariest one of the three of us. I was 17 and had started dreadlocks and was punk as 'fuck'…in a 1985 kind of way. Not to mention the only black kid in the car. I'm all 'yeah' I'm a scary urban dude, I'm going to totally scare the shit out of these poor Christian white kids…but the cute girl driving is going to totally go for the bad boy from the other side of the tracks…My deluded thought process.
So we got them box in on a totally deserted construction sight at about...midnight… I get out of the car alone and walk slowly up to their car, totally picturing a scene out of a movie as I get closer to the car to people in the backseat turn out too both be boys, Hmmm, but my cool slow ass kicking walk (I'm totally Dirty Harry) has worked and I watch them both lock their doors…Now I get up to the driver door and the two girls in the front seat our both looking back at me…Perfect I got them all scared as shit, so I softly knocked on the driver window and as menacingly as possible motioned for her to get out of the car…Seems like what Clubber Lang would do...The girls just look at me with what I (mistakenly) take for fear, so I do it again…and say "come here, I want to talk to you" to the driver…
All of a sudden driver door whips open and the girl flys out at me like a freakin rabid hyena …She landed at least 3 crippling blows to my head, before I had even realized what was happening…plan going terribly wrong 'WHAT THE FUCK?' "FUCK, FUCK HOLD ON" She just kept swinging (boys still locked in the back seat) fortunately she didn't have a weapon or she would have beaten me to death. Finally after a pretty sever beating from her (that I totally had coming) I got her subdued against the car, and was trying to convince her that we just fucking around and to please stop punching me in the head if I let her go. My fucking friends finally get out of the car laughing their fool heads off at me for totally getting my ass handed to me by this little suburban white girl…Fuckers…
Finally after the two girls had paved the way to safety, the two boys in the back seat unlock their doors and sheepishly get out and are telling me and my friends about how we where lucky they where about to get out and kick our asses, and demonstrated a few high kicks.
The Girl who beat my ass turns out to be pretty cool and tells me that once they drop off these two 'pussies' in the back seat they are going to a party…Sweet my plan has worked perfectly, (except for the girl beating my ass part) she suggested that I drive her car and we drop off the two dudes (who looked pretty defeated). Me and her ended up hanging out for about a month.
I love it when a plan comes together.
Well any rate we chased them down a bunch of country roads, we managed to stay right on their tale…Suddenly the road ends in a construction sight where they where building one of those horseshoe drive ways and had not completed it yet. We got em boxed in…no way out…
The concert we had followed them from was some New wave Christian concert in Minnehaha so we figured they would be fun for sure (Huh?) and that our tactics of fear would pay off…And now we got em' this is going to be great!
My friends decided that I was the scariest one of the three of us. I was 17 and had started dreadlocks and was punk as 'fuck'…in a 1985 kind of way. Not to mention the only black kid in the car. I'm all 'yeah' I'm a scary urban dude, I'm going to totally scare the shit out of these poor Christian white kids…but the cute girl driving is going to totally go for the bad boy from the other side of the tracks…My deluded thought process.
So we got them box in on a totally deserted construction sight at about...midnight… I get out of the car alone and walk slowly up to their car, totally picturing a scene out of a movie as I get closer to the car to people in the backseat turn out too both be boys, Hmmm, but my cool slow ass kicking walk (I'm totally Dirty Harry) has worked and I watch them both lock their doors…Now I get up to the driver door and the two girls in the front seat our both looking back at me…Perfect I got them all scared as shit, so I softly knocked on the driver window and as menacingly as possible motioned for her to get out of the car…Seems like what Clubber Lang would do...The girls just look at me with what I (mistakenly) take for fear, so I do it again…and say "come here, I want to talk to you" to the driver…
All of a sudden driver door whips open and the girl flys out at me like a freakin rabid hyena …She landed at least 3 crippling blows to my head, before I had even realized what was happening…plan going terribly wrong 'WHAT THE FUCK?' "FUCK, FUCK HOLD ON" She just kept swinging (boys still locked in the back seat) fortunately she didn't have a weapon or she would have beaten me to death. Finally after a pretty sever beating from her (that I totally had coming) I got her subdued against the car, and was trying to convince her that we just fucking around and to please stop punching me in the head if I let her go. My fucking friends finally get out of the car laughing their fool heads off at me for totally getting my ass handed to me by this little suburban white girl…Fuckers…
Finally after the two girls had paved the way to safety, the two boys in the back seat unlock their doors and sheepishly get out and are telling me and my friends about how we where lucky they where about to get out and kick our asses, and demonstrated a few high kicks.
The Girl who beat my ass turns out to be pretty cool and tells me that once they drop off these two 'pussies' in the back seat they are going to a party…Sweet my plan has worked perfectly, (except for the girl beating my ass part) she suggested that I drive her car and we drop off the two dudes (who looked pretty defeated). Me and her ended up hanging out for about a month.
I love it when a plan comes together.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Midgits on Planes!!
Once I was flying in Australia...and I sat next to two little people, a boy midgit and a girl midgit both probobly in there mid twenties and very attractive. I told my friend Trevor sitting next to me that "I would pay top doller to see a porno with those two in it", he responed with "I would pay twice as much to see a porno with you and them in it".
Anyrate when we landed we where all standing waiting to get of the plane and there was a man in a business suit sitting on the other side of the little couple and when we all stood up it happened that the girl midgits face was right at ass Level of the business man, not hesitating at all the boy midgit pushed her head from behind so her face was burried in the guys ass. Not wanting to appear alarmed the man in the suit kind of slowly turned around, and both the little people just stared up at him like "What?" the guy turned back around trying to ignore the whole thing and the boy did it again...Same thing he turned slowly around and they both stared up at him with a "What?"
It happen three times..My friend Trevor and I almost peed our pants laughing...
I want to be a midgit so I can play jokes like that on my friends.
Anyrate when we landed we where all standing waiting to get of the plane and there was a man in a business suit sitting on the other side of the little couple and when we all stood up it happened that the girl midgits face was right at ass Level of the business man, not hesitating at all the boy midgit pushed her head from behind so her face was burried in the guys ass. Not wanting to appear alarmed the man in the suit kind of slowly turned around, and both the little people just stared up at him like "What?" the guy turned back around trying to ignore the whole thing and the boy did it again...Same thing he turned slowly around and they both stared up at him with a "What?"
It happen three times..My friend Trevor and I almost peed our pants laughing...
I want to be a midgit so I can play jokes like that on my friends.
Elevator in Texas
I was in Texes with a band, it was it was etheir Houston or Dallas (not that it really matters) we where staying in a super 8 by the airport, and not a good Super 8 but one that was probobly built in the early 60's and cost about 35$ a room...Anyrate as always with the Melvins the band arrived first and checked into threre rooms before Thomas (backline, Truck driver) and I showed up. The hotel was one of those 4 story hotels with a "balconey" and a "courtyard" (super 8 guide book) in the middle actually it was public hallway surrounding the parking lot. When Thomas and I arrived and Buzz was leaning over the balconey yelling down at us "SJFHSJFHGKJSRGRGBS!!! "WHAT?" we yelled "SDJHFLKAGDSGSDFG!!! "HUH" we yelled again "SFBLGBDJFGHDFJGHDF!!!! "FUCK JUST A SECOND". We grabbed our shit and found the elevator. We got in and it raised about 3/4 of a floor and there was a huge bang and it felt like it dropped about five feet and slammed to a halt, Thomas and I where trying to maintain not being alarmed it started moving again and it banged up the rest of the shaft slamming grinding and dropping. Finally we reached the 4th floor and the doors opened and there was buzz and a few more of the band's entourge waiting for us both Thomas and I where visibly shaken and had massive fear in our eyes. I looked at buzz and said "FUUUUCK...What the fuck did you say?" He Said "DON'T USE THE ELEVATOR! IT'S NOT SAFE"
I Actually took the Elevator a couple more times that night each time feeling like I riding a horse and it never actually dropped I had faith in the Texes Elevator inspectors that had approved this device.
I Actually took the Elevator a couple more times that night each time feeling like I riding a horse and it never actually dropped I had faith in the Texes Elevator inspectors that had approved this device.
Hank III in New York
I think something weird has happened every time I have been to NY with Hank, But the best story from there was when we played B.B. King Live right in the middle of Time Square. First of all let me say that place SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCK, ASS. It's like doing a big rock show at a Applebees! You can't park your bus anywhere with in a 10 mile radius so when you load in its throw and go (while a cop is writing you a ticket) and get the bus the hell out of there..Anyrate I digress...We played there and it's a seated venue but not like a theatre but like a cafeteria after about an hour of arguing I finally got them to remove 20' x 15' area in front of the stage, that they issisted on taping off with yellow caution tape for the "Mush Pit". We had sold out at about 700 tickets and where expecting more then 30 people to dance. But the Manager assured me it would be fine. Once we started the show it was obvious it wasn't going to be fine and the whole lower level pretty much got demolished and the tape lasted two songs into the opener. We made it through the show with out anybody getting hurt and despite the P.A. being WAY too small for the room it was a successful show.
I headed backstage directly after the show to check on the condition of the band and to get on top of getting the fuck out. When Joe the drummer stormed out of the dressing room and told me the "If I didn't get that fuckin bitch out of the dressing room" He was gonna smack the shit out of her I'm like "Wha??" "Look" he said and open the dressing room door. Some girl from the audience that had been a problem during the show had showed up drunk as hell and looking for Shelton and the security had just let her in right before they had gotten of stage and she had illegibly scribbling her name on the acoustic guitar we kept in there and tried to steal any memento she could get her greasy little fingers. When I go to kick her out and she aint gonna go with out a fight "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!" She keeps screaming I was trying to grab the security guard that had let her back in the first place and he not helping at all. So I grabbed her by the arm and started to pull her out of the dressing room More 'FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!HANK, HELP ME!!!" she grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and insisted she had brought it as a gift for Hank.."No you didn't that is ours GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" somebody in the band tugged it away from here as I'm trying to pull her out of the dressing room. I got her to the door and she grabbed of all things my dinner that I had not eaten yet and was saving for after the show. She start shoveling it into her mouth then screamed "GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME NIGGER" That did it no more mister nice guy..I freaked grabbed the Hamburger out of her hand and smashed it into her face Screaming "I'M GONNA KILL THAT BITCH!! finally the "backstage security" came back to see what all the noise was about and "GET THAT FUCKIN BITCH OUT OF HERE" She was covered in a greasy hamburger and there where fries everywhere. They finally escorted her from the building (I think for making a mess). Our bus showed up and got another ticket while we where trying to load out.
About a year later we played at CBGB and in the middle of the country set Shelton stopped in the middle of a song and said "Hey Randy Guess who's right down front" Seeing red all over again I grabbed the talk back mic and started screaming at that "Fucking redneck bitch"
I headed backstage directly after the show to check on the condition of the band and to get on top of getting the fuck out. When Joe the drummer stormed out of the dressing room and told me the "If I didn't get that fuckin bitch out of the dressing room" He was gonna smack the shit out of her I'm like "Wha??" "Look" he said and open the dressing room door. Some girl from the audience that had been a problem during the show had showed up drunk as hell and looking for Shelton and the security had just let her in right before they had gotten of stage and she had illegibly scribbling her name on the acoustic guitar we kept in there and tried to steal any memento she could get her greasy little fingers. When I go to kick her out and she aint gonna go with out a fight "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!" She keeps screaming I was trying to grab the security guard that had let her back in the first place and he not helping at all. So I grabbed her by the arm and started to pull her out of the dressing room More 'FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!HANK, HELP ME!!!" she grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and insisted she had brought it as a gift for Hank.."No you didn't that is ours GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" somebody in the band tugged it away from here as I'm trying to pull her out of the dressing room. I got her to the door and she grabbed of all things my dinner that I had not eaten yet and was saving for after the show. She start shoveling it into her mouth then screamed "GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME NIGGER" That did it no more mister nice guy..I freaked grabbed the Hamburger out of her hand and smashed it into her face Screaming "I'M GONNA KILL THAT BITCH!! finally the "backstage security" came back to see what all the noise was about and "GET THAT FUCKIN BITCH OUT OF HERE" She was covered in a greasy hamburger and there where fries everywhere. They finally escorted her from the building (I think for making a mess). Our bus showed up and got another ticket while we where trying to load out.
About a year later we played at CBGB and in the middle of the country set Shelton stopped in the middle of a song and said "Hey Randy Guess who's right down front" Seeing red all over again I grabbed the talk back mic and started screaming at that "Fucking redneck bitch"
Cows in Poland
Cows show in Poland---I get on stage to do my pre show shit like tape up the mic and make sure everything else is in order, we where playing some tiny little club in Paznan Poland, the Cows song: 'Allergic to my self' was in regular rotation on Polish MTV (yes that's right, truth is stranger then fiction..) Any rate I get up on stage in front of all these polish mother fuckers and as soon as they see me a group of about 25 dudes start chanting "NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER!" at me...What the fuck! So how do you handle this? Apparently I'm the first black dude they had ever seen or some shit. Obviously the same rules of racial etiquette don't apply in Paznan as they do in maybe…..Minneapolis or in any other place I had been at that point.
So I get on the Mic and say in my most jovial announcer voice "YOU GUY'S LOOK LIKE LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF DUMB POLLACKS!"…Crowd goes wild!!! With applause and cheers…I think Hmmmmm that was weird…Show goes on with out a hitch.
Apparently there was some rap song on the radio at the time from a Swedish Hip hop group and the chorus is Nigger, Nigger, Nigger and that was the only English any of those dudes knew…huh.
So I get on the Mic and say in my most jovial announcer voice "YOU GUY'S LOOK LIKE LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF DUMB POLLACKS!"…Crowd goes wild!!! With applause and cheers…I think Hmmmmm that was weird…Show goes on with out a hitch.
Apparently there was some rap song on the radio at the time from a Swedish Hip hop group and the chorus is Nigger, Nigger, Nigger and that was the only English any of those dudes knew…huh.
Cows
I used to work for a band called the Cows on the Amrep label. Usually we would sleep on somebodys floor and the loft of the van, but sometimes we couldn't find anybody & when we got a room there where 5 of us, 2 in each bed and one on the floor, it was the last time I shared a bed with anybody named Thor.
One night Shannon (the singer) was real drunk not just a little crosseyed but full on knowbody's home. He and I where sharing one of the beds and Norm (the Drummer) was a sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I was watching t.v. in bed and Shannon was passed out on the bed next to me. Suddenly Shannon stands up reel quick and in one moment pulls out his dick and starts Peeing on the floor and all over Norm..Chaos... as Norm Jumps up and starts screaming at Shannon "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Shannon pinches off the stream and sits down confused at the situation, He say's "what?" Norm: "YOU FUCKIN PISSED ON ME!!" Shannon:"No I didn't." (still holding his dick) Letting a couple arks of piss out. Everybody is staying out of the line of fire He finally wandered into the bathroom. I'm still surprised that Norm didnt beat the shit out him for that.
One night Shannon (the singer) was real drunk not just a little crosseyed but full on knowbody's home. He and I where sharing one of the beds and Norm (the Drummer) was a sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I was watching t.v. in bed and Shannon was passed out on the bed next to me. Suddenly Shannon stands up reel quick and in one moment pulls out his dick and starts Peeing on the floor and all over Norm..Chaos... as Norm Jumps up and starts screaming at Shannon "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Shannon pinches off the stream and sits down confused at the situation, He say's "what?" Norm: "YOU FUCKIN PISSED ON ME!!" Shannon:"No I didn't." (still holding his dick) Letting a couple arks of piss out. Everybody is staying out of the line of fire He finally wandered into the bathroom. I'm still surprised that Norm didnt beat the shit out him for that.
Anthrax leaving Russia
Ok here is where it gets kind of crazy…When we left we where flying with all of our gear (A shitload) on Auroflot (Russian national airlines) when I go to check-in I did the band first because they are all a bunch of rockstar motherfuckers and then I'm trying to get all the gear on the plane as well. Management had told me that I was on my own to make these arrangements at the airport (bribe). We where still traveling with 'Smirnoff' or 'Stoli' or what ever that dudes name really was…the Lady behind the counter didn't speak a word of English so all information was going through Stoli. And there was a lot of it, first they didn't want to take the gear at all…Then Stoli and I had talked them into it but there was about 35 pieces and no Carnet the document you need for transporting equipment across borders so you have proof of ownership of your equipment in foreign country's (carnet: manifest ours had gone back with the bus and the rest of the gear).
We where a traveling party of 12 people, we where only allowed 2 bags person and the weight allowance for each bag was about 45LBS because of their crappy old planes. The charge for all these extra bags was appprox. $7000 by the (fuck the American 'book') but after a lot more talking in Russian, Stoli had brokered a deal that was $2500 in cash ($ U.S.) paid straight to the lady behind the counter and some dude with a cart (and I think Stoli got a piece of the action too) that was great…except I didn't have it I had tried not to carry that kind of cash into the country.
So I was pretty much back to square one and $7000 on the band credit card. The weird thing is, Apparently, for some crazy reason in the Moscow airport you can take an unlimited amount of currency out of an ATM (Either Euros, Dollars or Rubles) Stolli was kind enough to point out…By this time everybody in the band and crew except me had received their tickets and where on their way to the gate so I was alone to empty my savings account to get the gear on the plane…Fuck…Fucken basterds…So I do it…All right problem solved…about to miss the fucking plane…I guess when you give somebody with Auroflot $2500 in cash, security means nothing anymore and you get some kind of super secret pass. I got escorted through some door and past security by the lady behind the counter fuck those metal detectors…..Mission accomplished, we are off to Bulgaria.
Each and everyone had requested an aisle seat (the Band members had demanded) during the negotiations for the gear I had reminded her several times of the seating request. But I guess they had skipped that part of the negotiations. Everybody except 1 tech had a middle seat for the 2 ½ hour flight to Prague, now after dealing with the gear and the emptying my bank account not to mention having some exotic flu I could really care less who had to sit in the middle…Babyhead warned me that the band was pissed…They had all had middle seats and they wanted answer. What ever I need to find the place where we get our connections to Sofia…Find it, huge line about…Oh 150 people in it…I get in and Frankie (Bass player) needs to stand next to me a berate me about the middle seat and how he is claustrophobic, and he has "been in Anthrax for longer than anybody else" "so he deserves respect" and "we come from a good Family's not one of those punk bands you usually work for" about 2 hours in this shit in the fucking line…Kill Me…
Finally we get to Sofia (all Band members on the Aisle thanks to Frankie) We get met at the airport by this crazy looking guy with a shirt that says something like 'I'm with stupid', that's going to take us straight to the gig, a big festival we co-headlining with White Snake (they had played the night before) the site was some crazy looking stadium that had been built before the great war I think by the Romans. We get set up and sound checked everything is going smoother then anything in Russia had.
After sound check off to the dressing rooms, about a 10 min drive away from the stage. Festival starts a bunch of crazy eastern European local metal bands play. It starts getting closer to our set time and the sky starts getting darker (storm coming) about ½ hour before we our suppose to go on, a fucking Typhoon hits…and hits hard probably one of the worst storms I have ever been in, and the stage barely covered by some small tarp was taking on water fast, both the P.A. company and our backline guys started pulling gear to safety, and that meant packing it up and getting the hell out of there…Cancellation, lets get the fuck out here…I tell the band that we have cancelled because of weather and get them out of there right away to the hotel, fearing some violence from the approximately 800 people that are waiting out the storm in the bleachers.
Now here is the problem, they still owed Anthrax $15,000 and I had to get it off the 'I'm with stupid' dude. + I had to get all the gear on a commercial airline with no Carnet and a bunch of bribes to work out.
The guy off course had no cancellation insurance for this kind of thing and also had not full filled our contract with say- a roof- and proper weather gear so we had no choice but to get the hell out of there, he wanted us to play the next day but everybody in the bands wives where meeting us in Germany so that wasn't an option, then he want me to make a deal with him for less money…Also not going to happen…band can't afford it…I remained calm the whole time and just let him know there was not another option other paying the money, finally after about 3 hours of phone calls to the Los Angeles, New York, London and Budapest I got a the cash from him.
I really didn't expect them to meet us in the morning to take us to the airport…But he showed up looking more resolved and saying things like "better luck next time" and "you win some you lose some".
At the airport things went much smoother with getting the gear on the plane and everybody getting Aisle seats, after we got all checked in and ready to go I was informed because we didn't have the correct paperwork I needed to get the officers a present from duty free…Huh?...So these two soldiers again with automatic weapons walk me to duty free to get them and the lady behind the counter a 'present' I can't wait to see what they are going to pick out…5 bottles of the crappeist Irish whiskey they sold 'Paddy' As I'm standing in line with these two guards (again with heavy artillery) and 5 bottles of whiskey in my basket I'm like "…I'll buy you guys the good shit if you want I'm on a budget, that shit will make you go blind…"
And the answer was "that that is the good stuff' "buy it."
…5 bottles came to about $33…
We where a traveling party of 12 people, we where only allowed 2 bags person and the weight allowance for each bag was about 45LBS because of their crappy old planes. The charge for all these extra bags was appprox. $7000 by the (fuck the American 'book') but after a lot more talking in Russian, Stoli had brokered a deal that was $2500 in cash ($ U.S.) paid straight to the lady behind the counter and some dude with a cart (and I think Stoli got a piece of the action too) that was great…except I didn't have it I had tried not to carry that kind of cash into the country.
So I was pretty much back to square one and $7000 on the band credit card. The weird thing is, Apparently, for some crazy reason in the Moscow airport you can take an unlimited amount of currency out of an ATM (Either Euros, Dollars or Rubles) Stolli was kind enough to point out…By this time everybody in the band and crew except me had received their tickets and where on their way to the gate so I was alone to empty my savings account to get the gear on the plane…Fuck…Fucken basterds…So I do it…All right problem solved…about to miss the fucking plane…I guess when you give somebody with Auroflot $2500 in cash, security means nothing anymore and you get some kind of super secret pass. I got escorted through some door and past security by the lady behind the counter fuck those metal detectors…..Mission accomplished, we are off to Bulgaria.
Each and everyone had requested an aisle seat (the Band members had demanded) during the negotiations for the gear I had reminded her several times of the seating request. But I guess they had skipped that part of the negotiations. Everybody except 1 tech had a middle seat for the 2 ½ hour flight to Prague, now after dealing with the gear and the emptying my bank account not to mention having some exotic flu I could really care less who had to sit in the middle…Babyhead warned me that the band was pissed…They had all had middle seats and they wanted answer. What ever I need to find the place where we get our connections to Sofia…Find it, huge line about…Oh 150 people in it…I get in and Frankie (Bass player) needs to stand next to me a berate me about the middle seat and how he is claustrophobic, and he has "been in Anthrax for longer than anybody else" "so he deserves respect" and "we come from a good Family's not one of those punk bands you usually work for" about 2 hours in this shit in the fucking line…Kill Me…
Finally we get to Sofia (all Band members on the Aisle thanks to Frankie) We get met at the airport by this crazy looking guy with a shirt that says something like 'I'm with stupid', that's going to take us straight to the gig, a big festival we co-headlining with White Snake (they had played the night before) the site was some crazy looking stadium that had been built before the great war I think by the Romans. We get set up and sound checked everything is going smoother then anything in Russia had.
After sound check off to the dressing rooms, about a 10 min drive away from the stage. Festival starts a bunch of crazy eastern European local metal bands play. It starts getting closer to our set time and the sky starts getting darker (storm coming) about ½ hour before we our suppose to go on, a fucking Typhoon hits…and hits hard probably one of the worst storms I have ever been in, and the stage barely covered by some small tarp was taking on water fast, both the P.A. company and our backline guys started pulling gear to safety, and that meant packing it up and getting the hell out of there…Cancellation, lets get the fuck out here…I tell the band that we have cancelled because of weather and get them out of there right away to the hotel, fearing some violence from the approximately 800 people that are waiting out the storm in the bleachers.
Now here is the problem, they still owed Anthrax $15,000 and I had to get it off the 'I'm with stupid' dude. + I had to get all the gear on a commercial airline with no Carnet and a bunch of bribes to work out.
The guy off course had no cancellation insurance for this kind of thing and also had not full filled our contract with say- a roof- and proper weather gear so we had no choice but to get the hell out of there, he wanted us to play the next day but everybody in the bands wives where meeting us in Germany so that wasn't an option, then he want me to make a deal with him for less money…Also not going to happen…band can't afford it…I remained calm the whole time and just let him know there was not another option other paying the money, finally after about 3 hours of phone calls to the Los Angeles, New York, London and Budapest I got a the cash from him.
I really didn't expect them to meet us in the morning to take us to the airport…But he showed up looking more resolved and saying things like "better luck next time" and "you win some you lose some".
At the airport things went much smoother with getting the gear on the plane and everybody getting Aisle seats, after we got all checked in and ready to go I was informed because we didn't have the correct paperwork I needed to get the officers a present from duty free…Huh?...So these two soldiers again with automatic weapons walk me to duty free to get them and the lady behind the counter a 'present' I can't wait to see what they are going to pick out…5 bottles of the crappeist Irish whiskey they sold 'Paddy' As I'm standing in line with these two guards (again with heavy artillery) and 5 bottles of whiskey in my basket I'm like "…I'll buy you guys the good shit if you want I'm on a budget, that shit will make you go blind…"
And the answer was "that that is the good stuff' "buy it."
…5 bottles came to about $33…
Anthrax in Russia
I received all sorts of information about the Russian border and what to expect and what to bring and what NOT to bring and what color my shoes need to be and shit like that. We can't bring our bus across the border so it has to drop us off in a 20KM 'Closed zone' that the people meeting us could not enter and our bus could only go that far. So at the border we declared all our belongings and cash. We where only going to be in ...Russia for a few days then we where flying to Sofia (Bulgaria).
The border was actually pretty easy and we where into the closed area in about 30 min (last time I crossed the Canadian Border 3 hours) the border guards where excited to see an American Heavy Metal band and to try to speak English. Everybody there looked like they were about 16 years old with heavy artillery. Once we got into the closed zone there was a gate about every ¼ mile that we had to stop at and show our vehicle pass. Finally we met our peoples in the parking lot of a gas station. Inside the gas station they had every current Hollywood blockbuster boot leg movie on DVD for about .35 cents a piece…
St. Petersburg, (Previously Leningrad, Previously St. Petersburg) was celebrating its Independence and the 300 anniversary of the city. So what seemed to be ALL of the Military was in town walking down the middle of the streets drunk as hell, singing (what I thought was patriotic songs but could have been a Russian version of Hank Jr. 'Family Tradition'. It felt like being around something like 10,000 drunken Skinheads/Cowboys/High school AAA Wrestlers, with an unlimited supply of booze and guns. Just keep your head low and try not to 'start a fight' with any of these dudes…Stink eye.
The next day we did our show and it was like doing a show anywhere the Catering was a little bit worse and so was the gear…it was about 600 people at a what I think was a gymnasium and the rental gear they supplied was not so good I was very glad to have the show over with. After the show we took a midnight train over night to Moscow. The same night that the Celebration was getting over with, so when we got to the train station there where a million even drunker skinheads/Cowboys/AAA High School Wrestlers going back to their submarines, Siberia or something…I don't I have ever gotten the stink eye by so many Mother fuckers ever (not even wearing my 'I hate white people shirt' at a Hank III show in Dallas).
The Train was painted Deep (Commie) Red and we had first class cabins that where small but comfortable two people per cabin plus we had to shove all of the band equipment into them, even stripped down Anthrax's got a lot of shit, but eventually we fit it and us in.
We all had dinner in the dining car that had on the menu: Vow of Silence (Cows Tongue) among other exotic dishes. And lots of Vodka, and ever since the old days every time I get drunk on Vodka all I can say (yell) is "DA…WODKA…MAKES ME STRUUNNG…STRUUNG LIKE RUUSSIAN BULL…DA!"
Being the fuck up that I am I was last one to bed after drinking the better part of a bottle of vodka with our Russian translator Smirnoff or Stoli (or something like that). At one point several soldiers (on duty) came into the car with weapons and starting asking people for their credentials, I kind of panic because I had left everything in my cabin. Smirnoff told me not to worry "You do not look Chesnian" Sure as shit they walked right past us. I might as well have been eating a Hot Dog with a cowboy hat on.
We got into Moscow at 7:55 AM and got picked up and taken to a hotel, then off to the venue, some huge old arena that looked and sounded kind'a like a spaceship and was right next to Gorky Park. Again the show was kind of like doing a show anywhere and nothing really sticks out about the show or the audience except for military security. When the band arrived at the venue the backstage guard would not let them backstage because they where not wearing their laminates even though everybody else was wearing a laminate with a picture of the band on them, the guard was not having it, he had his orders "EVERYBODY HAS TO HAVE ONE OF THESE" a lot of yelling both in English and in Russian finally the promoter came up with a few all access sticky passes and the guard let them get on stage.
I had come down with some fucking disease from (I think) drinking the freaking water in the St. Petersburg hotel…Hotel Moscow…A place where you just had to ask the concierge for company and they brought you 5 woman to pick from (Not me somebody else) and all the rooms smelled like they had been under water recently…But even though I had the plague, I got to do a little sight seeing I saw Red Square, Gorky Park and some crazy statue that the Russians made for the USA as (kind of) a peace offering during the Cold War of Columbus discovering America, the U.S. had not accepted it, so the Russians had replaced the head of Columbus with the head of Lenin and stuck it up in the middle of Moscow…National pride will make you do crazy things.
I wish I would have a lot more time in Moscow, it looked like an amazing city we had kind of an in and out experience, we where only there for about a day and a half. Our promoter said he did shows in Siberia all the time and they where great because the people don't get out that much and we should come back over and play their sometime, I would love to see something like that…
The border was actually pretty easy and we where into the closed area in about 30 min (last time I crossed the Canadian Border 3 hours) the border guards where excited to see an American Heavy Metal band and to try to speak English. Everybody there looked like they were about 16 years old with heavy artillery. Once we got into the closed zone there was a gate about every ¼ mile that we had to stop at and show our vehicle pass. Finally we met our peoples in the parking lot of a gas station. Inside the gas station they had every current Hollywood blockbuster boot leg movie on DVD for about .35 cents a piece…
St. Petersburg, (Previously Leningrad, Previously St. Petersburg) was celebrating its Independence and the 300 anniversary of the city. So what seemed to be ALL of the Military was in town walking down the middle of the streets drunk as hell, singing (what I thought was patriotic songs but could have been a Russian version of Hank Jr. 'Family Tradition'. It felt like being around something like 10,000 drunken Skinheads/Cowboys/High school AAA Wrestlers, with an unlimited supply of booze and guns. Just keep your head low and try not to 'start a fight' with any of these dudes…Stink eye.
The next day we did our show and it was like doing a show anywhere the Catering was a little bit worse and so was the gear…it was about 600 people at a what I think was a gymnasium and the rental gear they supplied was not so good I was very glad to have the show over with. After the show we took a midnight train over night to Moscow. The same night that the Celebration was getting over with, so when we got to the train station there where a million even drunker skinheads/Cowboys/AAA High School Wrestlers going back to their submarines, Siberia or something…I don't I have ever gotten the stink eye by so many Mother fuckers ever (not even wearing my 'I hate white people shirt' at a Hank III show in Dallas).
The Train was painted Deep (Commie) Red and we had first class cabins that where small but comfortable two people per cabin plus we had to shove all of the band equipment into them, even stripped down Anthrax's got a lot of shit, but eventually we fit it and us in.
We all had dinner in the dining car that had on the menu: Vow of Silence (Cows Tongue) among other exotic dishes. And lots of Vodka, and ever since the old days every time I get drunk on Vodka all I can say (yell) is "DA…WODKA…MAKES ME STRUUNNG…STRUUNG LIKE RUUSSIAN BULL…DA!"
Being the fuck up that I am I was last one to bed after drinking the better part of a bottle of vodka with our Russian translator Smirnoff or Stoli (or something like that). At one point several soldiers (on duty) came into the car with weapons and starting asking people for their credentials, I kind of panic because I had left everything in my cabin. Smirnoff told me not to worry "You do not look Chesnian" Sure as shit they walked right past us. I might as well have been eating a Hot Dog with a cowboy hat on.
We got into Moscow at 7:55 AM and got picked up and taken to a hotel, then off to the venue, some huge old arena that looked and sounded kind'a like a spaceship and was right next to Gorky Park. Again the show was kind of like doing a show anywhere and nothing really sticks out about the show or the audience except for military security. When the band arrived at the venue the backstage guard would not let them backstage because they where not wearing their laminates even though everybody else was wearing a laminate with a picture of the band on them, the guard was not having it, he had his orders "EVERYBODY HAS TO HAVE ONE OF THESE" a lot of yelling both in English and in Russian finally the promoter came up with a few all access sticky passes and the guard let them get on stage.
I had come down with some fucking disease from (I think) drinking the freaking water in the St. Petersburg hotel…Hotel Moscow…A place where you just had to ask the concierge for company and they brought you 5 woman to pick from (Not me somebody else) and all the rooms smelled like they had been under water recently…But even though I had the plague, I got to do a little sight seeing I saw Red Square, Gorky Park and some crazy statue that the Russians made for the USA as (kind of) a peace offering during the Cold War of Columbus discovering America, the U.S. had not accepted it, so the Russians had replaced the head of Columbus with the head of Lenin and stuck it up in the middle of Moscow…National pride will make you do crazy things.
I wish I would have a lot more time in Moscow, it looked like an amazing city we had kind of an in and out experience, we where only there for about a day and a half. Our promoter said he did shows in Siberia all the time and they where great because the people don't get out that much and we should come back over and play their sometime, I would love to see something like that…
Thursday, February 1, 2007
getting Anthrax into Russia
We had all the paper work together except for one guy 'Paddy',also known as 'babyhead' (because his head looked like a huge..babyhead) our 6'5" British monitor guy and it was just a matter of going into the Embassy and giving them something like $150 to process the paper work and have the invitation letter stamped in advance..Seems easy enough..No Problem..We where playing, Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm and Helsinki. All of them had Russian Embassy because they are all capitols..
What I did not know was that all the Russian embassy have totally fucked up hours. What the fuck? You have got to be kidding me...That was Paddy and me on the first day in Copenhagen after we leisurely showed up at 11:00 AM and where met by a locked gate.. The fuckin things are only open from 8:00 AM to 9:30AM...
..Oslo we get there way to late to even think about going to the freakin' embassy..Stockholm is it..Short drive we split Oslo in time to get us in to 'Stocktown' by about 8:00 AM me and Paddy jump into at cab and head to the embassy on the other side of town from wear the hotel is. We get there at about 9:02AM and its fuckin closed (Hours 7:30-9:00AM).
Babyhead goes Bizerk and is standing on the corner in Traffic giving it the finger and screaming "FUCK YOU!!!FUCK YOU!!!" at the embassy I'm trying to remain calm but am feeling a psychotic rage coming on, a woman stopped and took pity on us asked if she could help? "...huh?..A..No.. Thanks..Though"..OK Helsinki ground zero it has to happen or we don't have our monitor guy, and I'm probably fired.
We get the hours of the Helsinki Embassy (a brilliant idea) its open until 9:30AM our hotel is fairly close to it. Get into town with plenty of time (comparatively) to get there..There is a line of about 35 people outside waiting to get in, as an armed guard lets in 1 person about every 10 min..babyhead was starting to freak and I'm hoping he can maintain composer until we get past the guy with the gun.
As we get closer to the front of the line our time is running out. I made several calls to the Russian Promoter to let them know what our status was. Finally Paddy gets in but they won't let me in because there closed (9:30AM to the second)! He was standing a head of me in line..The guard closes the gate in my face I try to put my foot in the gate before it shuts and the guard points his automatic rifle at me and I realize how stupid that was And pull my foot out with my hands up saying: "It's cool It's cool". Then I start explaining how "I'm with that other guy with the huge head and, I have the money and some of his paper work and stuff" Guard does not care. Now Babyhead is inside with half of the information and no money. I call the Russian Promoter and explain what has happened and can they call anybody inside the embassy to help us. About..10 min. Later the guard comes back out and says "YOU!" and points at me..and opens the gate and lets me in.
Inside it takes about 5 min. to pay a bunch of money and get three documents stamped and off we go.
..Getting into the country is a trick. It doesn't suck as much as..say..Canada where they seem to have a different set of rules, regulations and taxes every time. But it sucks in a totally different way: unbelievable bureaucracy. (Beaten out only by the United States getting somebody into this country is the worst thing you can imagine and it cost about $5000 for a permit).
Russia, the First thing you have to do is get invited, then you take your invitation and your passport to the Russian embassy for stamping and approval and then several other documents that say your not a criminal (or not that much of a criminal) your not an enemy of the state, you will not stay in the country past your approved invitation, with out paying somebody a bribe..shit like that.
It had taken us a while to get everybody papers in order.. including me making a mad dash out to LAX in rush hour traffic because after soundcheck,.. I saw my assistant Jeff walking around with a fed ex package that I had sent him to fed ex with about 3 hours earlier with one of the guitar techs passports (that had not been approved until that morning and we where leaving in 2 days for Europe) so now our only hope of getting him into Russia was by bringing it to the airport in person and putting it on a plane to the office to get to the embassy.
Unfortunately another member of the European crew (not included in the original crew list) had not made it the embassy himself (Babyhead) and we where going to have to get it done during the first week of the tour in Scandinavia before we crossed the border into Russia. And you know how that went.
Hands down my favorite place I have ever been in Europe and as soon as they get there tourist trade figured out---like maybe opening their fucking Embassy until---Lets say Noon for starters---I would love to go back there.
What I did not know was that all the Russian embassy have totally fucked up hours. What the fuck? You have got to be kidding me...That was Paddy and me on the first day in Copenhagen after we leisurely showed up at 11:00 AM and where met by a locked gate.. The fuckin things are only open from 8:00 AM to 9:30AM...
..Oslo we get there way to late to even think about going to the freakin' embassy..Stockholm is it..Short drive we split Oslo in time to get us in to 'Stocktown' by about 8:00 AM me and Paddy jump into at cab and head to the embassy on the other side of town from wear the hotel is. We get there at about 9:02AM and its fuckin closed (Hours 7:30-9:00AM).
Babyhead goes Bizerk and is standing on the corner in Traffic giving it the finger and screaming "FUCK YOU!!!FUCK YOU!!!" at the embassy I'm trying to remain calm but am feeling a psychotic rage coming on, a woman stopped and took pity on us asked if she could help? "...huh?..A..No.. Thanks..Though"..OK Helsinki ground zero it has to happen or we don't have our monitor guy, and I'm probably fired.
We get the hours of the Helsinki Embassy (a brilliant idea) its open until 9:30AM our hotel is fairly close to it. Get into town with plenty of time (comparatively) to get there..There is a line of about 35 people outside waiting to get in, as an armed guard lets in 1 person about every 10 min..babyhead was starting to freak and I'm hoping he can maintain composer until we get past the guy with the gun.
As we get closer to the front of the line our time is running out. I made several calls to the Russian Promoter to let them know what our status was. Finally Paddy gets in but they won't let me in because there closed (9:30AM to the second)! He was standing a head of me in line..The guard closes the gate in my face I try to put my foot in the gate before it shuts and the guard points his automatic rifle at me and I realize how stupid that was And pull my foot out with my hands up saying: "It's cool It's cool". Then I start explaining how "I'm with that other guy with the huge head and, I have the money and some of his paper work and stuff" Guard does not care. Now Babyhead is inside with half of the information and no money. I call the Russian Promoter and explain what has happened and can they call anybody inside the embassy to help us. About..10 min. Later the guard comes back out and says "YOU!" and points at me..and opens the gate and lets me in.
Inside it takes about 5 min. to pay a bunch of money and get three documents stamped and off we go.
..Getting into the country is a trick. It doesn't suck as much as..say..Canada where they seem to have a different set of rules, regulations and taxes every time. But it sucks in a totally different way: unbelievable bureaucracy. (Beaten out only by the United States getting somebody into this country is the worst thing you can imagine and it cost about $5000 for a permit).
Russia, the First thing you have to do is get invited, then you take your invitation and your passport to the Russian embassy for stamping and approval and then several other documents that say your not a criminal (or not that much of a criminal) your not an enemy of the state, you will not stay in the country past your approved invitation, with out paying somebody a bribe..shit like that.
It had taken us a while to get everybody papers in order.. including me making a mad dash out to LAX in rush hour traffic because after soundcheck,.. I saw my assistant Jeff walking around with a fed ex package that I had sent him to fed ex with about 3 hours earlier with one of the guitar techs passports (that had not been approved until that morning and we where leaving in 2 days for Europe) so now our only hope of getting him into Russia was by bringing it to the airport in person and putting it on a plane to the office to get to the embassy.
Unfortunately another member of the European crew (not included in the original crew list) had not made it the embassy himself (Babyhead) and we where going to have to get it done during the first week of the tour in Scandinavia before we crossed the border into Russia. And you know how that went.
Hands down my favorite place I have ever been in Europe and as soon as they get there tourist trade figured out---like maybe opening their fucking Embassy until---Lets say Noon for starters---I would love to go back there.
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