Thursday, February 22, 2007

Hang over in W.V.

first couple bands I worked for Run Westy Run and the Cows, saving money
was everything so after the show we would always try to find somebody
that would put us up…Fan…Waitress…Promoter…Some kid that lived with his
"cool" parents. Total crap shoot, sometimes it was a great place where
you could find a nice couch and clean shower, quiet + food…Other times
it was some crash pad that half the audience showed up to also to
Par-tay with the band. And when you finally found a place to sleep on
the floor kind of out of the way, somebody spilled beer on you (fuck
you) you wake up and find your head in cat litter after listening to
some crappy local punk rock "dude you want to hear my band!?" (on 11 and
repeat all night), using your shoes as a pillow.

So because I'm anti-Social and allergic to everything I always tried to
sleep in the van. Quiet, safe knew all the smells, plus somebody tries
to brake into it your there. Any rate I was with the Cows in Morgantown
West Virginia after the show and about 15 shots of jagermiester and 30
beers later I was completely shitfaced when we went to the Promoters
house to stay, I pass out in the van, somebody had the decency to write
the address where everybody else was on my body before they left me in
the van……..Morning comes massive "fuck what did I do too myself last
night?" Hangover………Feels like Bob Dylan slept in my mouth………Door to the
van opens…..van on steep hill………………..van gets put in
gear……………huh?…..eyes focusing…………..FUUUUUCK!

Van on tow truck... I shoot out of the loft and out of the van…
Apparently I got comfortable in the van because I discover as I'm
falling out of the van with a throbbing 'please kick me in the balls'
headache into the rain all I'm wearing is my underwear… Awesome…..I find
myself in the middle of about 12 old people who have come out to see
what all the commotion is about and a big tow truck driver and of course
a Cop…I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is going on…All I
know is one minute waking up in a hangover mist and 10 seconds later I'm
standing in the middle of 14 people in my underwear talking to a cop in
the rain…This is the fucking life.

The cop (surprised) looks at me a say's something like: "whur'd hell'yu'
com' frum?" I try to explain that it's my van and I'll move it,
(apparently we had blocked a driveway after driving drunk) can I put my
pants on?...No…Ok…How much?...Get the hell out here, and don't come
back?...Ahhh…ok…100 bucks they drop the van, and here I am driving the
van in my underwear.

I drive around a little and wait for the commotion to die down, put my
pants on, try to get my bearings, wait for the giant pounding in my head
to subside a little. Park the van a couple of streets over and try to
find the rest of the band…

Fucken address on my arm is a mess I can only kinda read 3 of the 4
numbers (long before cell phones). So now here I am lurking around the 3
houses I think it could be trying to find evidence of the rest of the
band, at least I have my pants and shirt on now, but I'm still a 6' 3
black man with dreadlocks down to my ass that about an hour before has
just been standing on the middle of the street virtually naked…I tried
not to look suspicious…my luck finally changed the first window I peered
in I saw the corner of a sleeping bag and I started pounding on the
door, thinking "I hope I don't get shot by Bubba". Finally Thor (guitar
player) woke up and looked out the window, and let me in…Shaken, Hung
over and soaking wet…and blathering about fuckin pigs, underwear,
fucking $100, the van is blocks over…He started laughing at me and said
"this is the life."

What could go wrong

My friends and I decided to follow this car load of kids from a rock concert to where ever they where going the driver looked cute and we where bored (We could only imagine how great their final destination would be). We followed them for about 45 min. out to some rich St. Paul suburb (North Oaks)…They dropped off one of the boys and we stayed down the street trying to stay inconspicuous in our $300 Plymouth Horizon covered in rust, obviously the jig was up…they spotted us and took off fast, obviously excited by the 'fear' we had installed on these poor Suburban kids we decided to chase em' down. Through North Oaks and then down a fucking country road at high speed or at least as fast as our Horizon would go…How could this possibly go wrong?
Well any rate we chased them down a bunch of country roads, we managed to stay right on their tale…Suddenly the road ends in a construction sight where they where building one of those horseshoe drive ways and had not completed it yet. We got em boxed in…no way out…
The concert we had followed them from was some New wave Christian concert in Minnehaha so we figured they would be fun for sure (Huh?) and that our tactics of fear would pay off…And now we got em' this is going to be great!
My friends decided that I was the scariest one of the three of us. I was 17 and had started dreadlocks and was punk as 'fuck'…in a 1985 kind of way. Not to mention the only black kid in the car. I'm all 'yeah' I'm a scary urban dude, I'm going to totally scare the shit out of these poor Christian white kids…but the cute girl driving is going to totally go for the bad boy from the other side of the tracks…My deluded thought process.
So we got them box in on a totally deserted construction sight at about...midnight… I get out of the car alone and walk slowly up to their car, totally picturing a scene out of a movie as I get closer to the car to people in the backseat turn out too both be boys, Hmmm, but my cool slow ass kicking walk (I'm totally Dirty Harry) has worked and I watch them both lock their doors…Now I get up to the driver door and the two girls in the front seat our both looking back at me…Perfect I got them all scared as shit, so I softly knocked on the driver window and as menacingly as possible motioned for her to get out of the car…Seems like what Clubber Lang would do...The girls just look at me with what I (mistakenly) take for fear, so I do it again…and say "come here, I want to talk to you" to the driver…
All of a sudden driver door whips open and the girl flys out at me like a freakin rabid hyena …She landed at least 3 crippling blows to my head, before I had even realized what was happening…plan going terribly wrong 'WHAT THE FUCK?' "FUCK, FUCK HOLD ON" She just kept swinging (boys still locked in the back seat) fortunately she didn't have a weapon or she would have beaten me to death. Finally after a pretty sever beating from her (that I totally had coming) I got her subdued against the car, and was trying to convince her that we just fucking around and to please stop punching me in the head if I let her go. My fucking friends finally get out of the car laughing their fool heads off at me for totally getting my ass handed to me by this little suburban white girl…Fuckers…
Finally after the two girls had paved the way to safety, the two boys in the back seat unlock their doors and sheepishly get out and are telling me and my friends about how we where lucky they where about to get out and kick our asses, and demonstrated a few high kicks.
The Girl who beat my ass turns out to be pretty cool and tells me that once they drop off these two 'pussies' in the back seat they are going to a party…Sweet my plan has worked perfectly, (except for the girl beating my ass part) she suggested that I drive her car and we drop off the two dudes (who looked pretty defeated). Me and her ended up hanging out for about a month.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Midgits on Planes!!

Once I was flying in Australia...and I sat next to two little people, a boy midgit and a girl midgit both probobly in there mid twenties and very attractive. I told my friend Trevor sitting next to me that "I would pay top doller to see a porno with those two in it", he responed with "I would pay twice as much to see a porno with you and them in it".

Anyrate when we landed we where all standing waiting to get of the plane and there was a man in a business suit sitting on the other side of the little couple and when we all stood up it happened that the girl midgits face was right at ass Level of the business man, not hesitating at all the boy midgit pushed her head from behind so her face was burried in the guys ass. Not wanting to appear alarmed the man in the suit kind of slowly turned around, and both the little people just stared up at him like "What?" the guy turned back around trying to ignore the whole thing and the boy did it again...Same thing he turned slowly around and they both stared up at him with a "What?"

It happen three times..My friend Trevor and I almost peed our pants laughing...

I want to be a midgit so I can play jokes like that on my friends.

Elevator in Texas

I was in Texes with a band, it was it was etheir Houston or Dallas (not that it really matters) we where staying in a super 8 by the airport, and not a good Super 8 but one that was probobly built in the early 60's and cost about 35$ a room...Anyrate as always with the Melvins the band arrived first and checked into threre rooms before Thomas (backline, Truck driver) and I showed up. The hotel was one of those 4 story hotels with a "balconey" and a "courtyard" (super 8 guide book) in the middle actually it was public hallway surrounding the parking lot. When Thomas and I arrived and Buzz was leaning over the balconey yelling down at us "SJFHSJFHGKJSRGRGBS!!! "WHAT?" we yelled "SDJHFLKAGDSGSDFG!!! "HUH" we yelled again "SFBLGBDJFGHDFJGHDF!!!! "FUCK JUST A SECOND". We grabbed our shit and found the elevator. We got in and it raised about 3/4 of a floor and there was a huge bang and it felt like it dropped about five feet and slammed to a halt, Thomas and I where trying to maintain not being alarmed it started moving again and it banged up the rest of the shaft slamming grinding and dropping. Finally we reached the 4th floor and the doors opened and there was buzz and a few more of the band's entourge waiting for us both Thomas and I where visibly shaken and had massive fear in our eyes. I looked at buzz and said "FUUUUCK...What the fuck did you say?" He Said "DON'T USE THE ELEVATOR! IT'S NOT SAFE"

I Actually took the Elevator a couple more times that night each time feeling like I riding a horse and it never actually dropped I had faith in the Texes Elevator inspectors that had approved this device.

Hank III in New York

I think something weird has happened every time I have been to NY with Hank, But the best story from there was when we played B.B. King Live right in the middle of Time Square. First of all let me say that place SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCK, ASS. It's like doing a big rock show at a Applebees! You can't park your bus anywhere with in a 10 mile radius so when you load in its throw and go (while a cop is writing you a ticket) and get the bus the hell out of there..Anyrate I digress...We played there and it's a seated venue but not like a theatre but like a cafeteria after about an hour of arguing I finally got them to remove 20' x 15' area in front of the stage, that they issisted on taping off with yellow caution tape for the "Mush Pit". We had sold out at about 700 tickets and where expecting more then 30 people to dance. But the Manager assured me it would be fine. Once we started the show it was obvious it wasn't going to be fine and the whole lower level pretty much got demolished and the tape lasted two songs into the opener. We made it through the show with out anybody getting hurt and despite the P.A. being WAY too small for the room it was a successful show.

I headed backstage directly after the show to check on the condition of the band and to get on top of getting the fuck out. When Joe the drummer stormed out of the dressing room and told me the "If I didn't get that fuckin bitch out of the dressing room" He was gonna smack the shit out of her I'm like "Wha??" "Look" he said and open the dressing room door. Some girl from the audience that had been a problem during the show had showed up drunk as hell and looking for Shelton and the security had just let her in right before they had gotten of stage and she had illegibly scribbling her name on the acoustic guitar we kept in there and tried to steal any memento she could get her greasy little fingers. When I go to kick her out and she aint gonna go with out a fight "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!" She keeps screaming I was trying to grab the security guard that had let her back in the first place and he not helping at all. So I grabbed her by the arm and started to pull her out of the dressing room More 'FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!HANK, HELP ME!!!" she grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and insisted she had brought it as a gift for Hank.."No you didn't that is ours GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" somebody in the band tugged it away from here as I'm trying to pull her out of the dressing room. I got her to the door and she grabbed of all things my dinner that I had not eaten yet and was saving for after the show. She start shoveling it into her mouth then screamed "GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME NIGGER" That did it no more mister nice guy..I freaked grabbed the Hamburger out of her hand and smashed it into her face Screaming "I'M GONNA KILL THAT BITCH!! finally the "backstage security" came back to see what all the noise was about and "GET THAT FUCKIN BITCH OUT OF HERE" She was covered in a greasy hamburger and there where fries everywhere. They finally escorted her from the building (I think for making a mess). Our bus showed up and got another ticket while we where trying to load out.

About a year later we played at CBGB and in the middle of the country set Shelton stopped in the middle of a song and said "Hey Randy Guess who's right down front" Seeing red all over again I grabbed the talk back mic and started screaming at that "Fucking redneck bitch"

Cows in Poland

Cows show in Poland---I get on stage to do my pre show shit like tape up the mic and make sure everything else is in order, we where playing some tiny little club in Paznan Poland, the Cows song: 'Allergic to my self' was in regular rotation on Polish MTV (yes that's right, truth is stranger then fiction..) Any rate I get up on stage in front of all these polish mother fuckers and as soon as they see me a group of about 25 dudes start chanting "NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER!" at me...What the fuck! So how do you handle this? Apparently I'm the first black dude they had ever seen or some shit. Obviously the same rules of racial etiquette don't apply in Paznan as they do in maybe…..Minneapolis or in any other place I had been at that point.
So I get on the Mic and say in my most jovial announcer voice "YOU GUY'S LOOK LIKE LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF DUMB POLLACKS!"…Crowd goes wild!!! With applause and cheers…I think Hmmmmm that was weird…Show goes on with out a hitch.

Apparently there was some rap song on the radio at the time from a Swedish Hip hop group and the chorus is Nigger, Nigger, Nigger and that was the only English any of those dudes knew…huh.


I used to work for a band called the Cows on the Amrep label. Usually we would sleep on somebodys floor and the loft of the van, but sometimes we couldn't find anybody & when we got a room there where 5 of us, 2 in each bed and one on the floor, it was the last time I shared a bed with anybody named Thor.

One night Shannon (the singer) was real drunk not just a little crosseyed but full on knowbody's home. He and I where sharing one of the beds and Norm (the Drummer) was a sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I was watching t.v. in bed and Shannon was passed out on the bed next to me. Suddenly Shannon stands up reel quick and in one moment pulls out his dick and starts Peeing on the floor and all over Norm..Chaos... as Norm Jumps up and starts screaming at Shannon "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Shannon pinches off the stream and sits down confused at the situation, He say's "what?" Norm: "YOU FUCKIN PISSED ON ME!!" Shannon:"No I didn't." (still holding his dick) Letting a couple arks of piss out. Everybody is staying out of the line of fire He finally wandered into the bathroom. I'm still surprised that Norm didnt beat the shit out him for that.